Have you tried the Cry-It-Out (CIO) method without success? Or maybe it worked for you, but only temporarily, and then things took another turn for the worse?
When you're desperate for sleep (for you, your baby, and your whole family) it often feels like being stuck 'between a rock and a hard place'. The alternatives available seem to be either getting no sleep at all or having to leave your baby to cry for hours before they eventually put themselves to sleep.
If you've tried the CIO method and given up, or if you're completely against it, I'm here to reassure you that there are alternatives for you to consider.
You don't have to use CIO to help your child sleep better.
If it's not for you, there are plenty of other things you can try that may better suit you, your baby, and your family.
So let's get into the details of why I don't personally advocate the Cry-It-Out method.
What is the Cry-It-Out method?
Also known as the extinction method, this sleep training technique recommends that parents leave their baby to cry in their cots until they fall asleep without the parents intervening. Often, and especially at first, this means the baby will cry. And they may continue to cry inconsolably for long periods of time - sometimes hours.
Understandably, since its introduction in the late 1800s, this method has generated endless debates and diverging opinions in the parenting and sleep experts communities. While, yes, it works for some families, it doesn't for many others. And it's understandable for parents to become as distressed as their baby and share some of those tears too!
The theory behind the CIO method
So how does the CIO method work? The theory behind the method is that by placing a baby awake in their cot and stepping away, a baby learns to fall asleep on their own. When the baby cries, the parent does not pick them up. The strongest version of the CIO method would say that you can't reassure them in any way - you can't hold them, cradle them, feed them, etc. Because if you do, you teach your baby to rely on you to fall asleep.
The science behind crying
Babies cry. In the early days, months, and years of a child's life, crying is one of the primary methods of communication. A baby cries to tell us they're hungry, overtired, in pain, need a nappy change, and many other reasons.
While crying in adults is often associated with sadness and emotional or physical pain, for babies is a means of communicating. So we shouldn't automatically assume that when a baby is crying they are distressed. However, crying can of course be an expression of fear or pain in babies, too.
And when children cry, as parents we are almost pre-programmed to respond. We instinctively feel an impulse to act. Our innate reaction as human beings is to respond to our children's needs - whatever they might be.
So this begs the question - is it good for infants to cry for long periods of time?
The potential risks associated with the CIO method and the impact on emotional attachment
When a baby is being left to cry for long periods of time, they are likely to experience distress. And the fact their parents don't intervene could teach the child that however they're feeling and no matter how long for or how intensely they might be 'calling', no one will come. No one will help.
So while the baby is crying to get their parent's attention, what the method might be teaching them is that their crying doesn't help them get the help they need. They learn that crying is ineffective so they might as well stop 'calling'. While studies can be inconclusive or contradictive on the matter, a lot of experts and parents worry that leaving a baby to cry may also lead them to experience a feeling of abandonment.
Therefore, the reason why it's believed that this method works for some babies is that it teaches them to self-soothe. It teaches children to rely on themselves and not their parents. And this may be negatively impacting the emotional attachment between a child and their parents.
The potential negative effects of prolonged crying and why babies won't 'calm down’
Research also seems to suggest that even when crying subsides at bedtime following CIO sleep training, cortisol levels may still be high. This study found that following 3 days of CIO sleep training, babies "no longer expressed behavioral distress during the sleep transition but their cortisol levels were elevated." Furthermore, while there was synchrony in mothers' and infants' cortisol levels at bedtime at the start of the study, these levels became out of synch at bedtime when babies stopped signalling after 3 days of CIO sleep training.
Aside from considerations around emotional attachment and development, it's also worth thinking about your baby's temperament. Anecdotally, you probably know of some babies who have slept better after CIO sleep training. However, there are lots of babies for who the technique simply won't work for. A lot of the babies I work with are described by their parents as "going from 0-60 really quickly" and being particularly observant and vigilant.
If you've tried the CIO method, and your baby was crying at 60 miles an hour before you even got to the door, it's unlikely they'll be able to calm down without your help. And I'm sure we can all find this relatable. If we were upset about anything and crying, even as adults, we would struggle to calm down enough to go to sleep without some sort of help or reassurance.
The benefits of responding to a crying baby
With all that in mind, it goes without saying that responding to a baby's 'cry for help' provides them with reassurance, confidence, and trust that when they communicate with their primary caretaker(s), their needs will be met. When a parent responds quickly and consistently, a baby develops a healthy and positive sense of attachment. In the most simplistic terms, they learn to trust and are therefore able to feel calmer and experience less stress.
This is why I often say to families when we first meet that I don't advocate the CIO method, which is why you may have noticed I use the hashtag #nocryingitout on my website. By no means would I ever judge anyone who uses it or has used it in the past, with or without success. All it means is that I recognise there are plenty of alternatives, techniques, and strategies that will work for different babies and families. What I recommend is that you select an approach that takes into account everyone's feelings, emotions, and personalities.
When CIO isn't the way
A lot of parents approach me at a point when they're desperate for sleep and would try anything. So while CIO isn't something they'd ideally want to do, by that point in time, they’ve considered it as it’s felt like the only solution. And that's often because we hear from other parents that it's guaranteed to work within 3 nights.
Unfortunately, there's no guarantee. Even when CIO works, we often hear it followed with the caveat that "it was a really tough 3 nights". And I've had lots of families coming to me saying they'd been trying CIO for weeks with no progress whatsoever. In fact, for some, things were now worse because bedtimes and the sleep space had become associated with stress rather than safety and security.
For some others who get in touch with me, CIO may have worked in the past and improved sleep at some point, but the results weren't long-lasting and they have found themselves back at square one.
So if you've tried CIO (with temporary success or no success at all) or don't even want to consider this method, there are definitely other ways.
Alternatives to the cry-it-out method
This is exactly what I do in my work as a Sleep Consultant. I help parents improve their children's sleep by using strategies that fit well with their parental instinct. I want you to look back at this phase of your life and feel positive and proud about the changes you've made, rather than feeling regretful, guilty, or worried.
Gentle sleep training methods
If you’d like to work towards a new way of settling your baby to sleep (perhaps working from feeding to rocking, or rocking to cot settling), something you could try as an alternative to CIO is the ‘toggle’ approach. If your child is unsettled, do everything you need to help them calm and settle. For example, if your child needs movement to get to sleep, you could bop up and down, and sing or shush to help them calm. Then, when they are calm and starting to settle to sleep, see if you can do one thing less. In this example, you might try slowing down the bopping up and down.
The approach is called the toggle because you can toggle back and forth between your child’s favourite way of settling while they are agitated, and doing that one thing less when they are calm, almost mirroring their energy. You might toggle back and forth a few times in any one settling session. The idea is that your child will, in time, get used to the sensation of falling asleep with a little less ‘input’ from you (in this case without you bopping up and down). When you’ve had a few nights of this being easier, you could do another thing less. This could be a stepped approach you take towards helping your child get used to a new way of settling. In the shorter term, it could lead to something that feels more sustainable for you as a parent. In the longer term, it could get you to place where they are able to settle to sleep by themselves.
Co-sleeping and bed-sharing
Another method that works for some families (although I know not all) is co-sleeping or bed-sharing. As suggested by the name, this involves sharing a bed or a mattress with your baby. This arrangement provides your child with the vicinity, comfort, and reassurance they might need to fall asleep. For the parent, it means you don't have to go very far when your baby wakes up. And it can be a way to get more or better sleep.
Some parents who I’ve worked with have been nervous about co-sleeping because of the potential risks that they have been told about. As a parent, it’s important to weigh up the evidence yourself so that you can make an informed choice. The BASIS website has some great evidenced based information about bed sharing, as well as an image bank to give you an idea about different co-sleeping set ups. You can also find more information on the NHS website.
Helping you find an approach that works for your family
Whatever you choose, it's important you pick an approach that works for your family. As a Sleep Consultant, I help you do exactly that. When I work with you and your baby, we look at your individual situation holistically.
Maybe you've been co-sleeping with your baby and feeding them to sleep every night. But your circumstances have changed and now you want to gently transition into a different method.
Maybe your baby has started to wake frequently in the night (or has been since birth), and you're at a point where this no longer works for you and your family. But you're not prepared to let them cry in their cot but don't know what else to do.
Or maybe you've come to dread bedtime yourself (let alone your baby) because every night you spend hours trying everything you can think of to help your baby to sleep. And perhaps this is now affecting your mental health. You just want a solution, but you don't know what to do.
That's where I come in. We look at your family situation, your goals, your baby's temperament, and daily habit, and make tweaks that you're comfortable with to improve your baby's sleep. What you get when working with a Sleep Consultant is an individual approach that balances the needs of your child with the rest of the family's.
Related post: Online or Hands-on Sleep Coach - Which One Should You Choose?
Would you like support from a holistic Sleep Consultant?
If you're currently in the thick of sleep deprivation and feel like you've tried everything (maybe even CIO), I can help you take a gentler path to reach your sleep goals. As a qualified and experienced Holistic Sleep Coach, I provide evidence-based sleep coaching support to families across the UK. Working with you, I can help you achieve peaceful and improved sleep - for your child, yourself, and the whole family.
If you’d like to chat, you can book a free no obligation 15-minute call with me. I'll listen to your unique situation and give you some tailored suggestions. If you’d like to continue to work with me after that, then great. Either way, you will come away feeling calmer and knowing that there will be a gentle path that you can take to reach your sleep goals.